godcomplexed | mayfield_rpg contact post

Whatever you want to call it, I don't care.

[Oh look, it's troll Will Smith! He's monologing about how no troll wakes up thinking they don't want to get saved from culling at the hands of the imperial drones today. Look at him, helping a hapless troll viciously murder an alluring highblood's barkbeast to win her black attentions.]

...what exactly is this film about?

[And why is Agent J a troll...]

[...Pausing, because who could miss a second of this thrilling action.]

He basically just explained the plot!

But okay, fine. It's about this guy named Hitch, and he's a rom expert, he knows everything about rom. So he goes around helping hapless losers get their quadrants filled before the drones come. I mean, not all the way to declaring quadrants, he's not an asshole, but he just helps them make a connection. He's so good he's even going to set up this bumbling fudgeblood up for a caliginous fling with this beautiful vicious seadweller that you'd think is like, way out of his league.

But the twist is, he had his bloodpusher smashed when his own matesprit left him, and now he's trying to seduce Eva Mendes in that quadrant, but he is awful at it when it's him. Also, Eva Mendes doesn't believe in love either, her job is to report fraudulent quadrant pair-ups for culling, so there's a lot of suspense there, too. Will Hitch ever find love or will they all die at the end? Watch and find out.

Edited 2012-05-04 23:48 (UTC)

...

[Tries to pay attention! Really! But he's talking about trollmance which is like romance, but weirder. And not a fun weird because there's lots of girls involved and very little flirting.

So he's just going to blow his nose and look like he's listening.]

So Agent J, er, Hitch is...

I mean.

Aren't there any explosions in this film?

Oh my god.

If you're talking about that awful movie where Will Smith lands on a planet of helpless mammals and infiltrates and subjugates them all, just get out. This is quality cinema, there's only one explosion and it's accidental when Will Smith hilariously almost murders his date and nearly convinces her he's trying to flip quadrants.

No.

I'm talking about the extremely exciting, brilliant, charming its human imagination film: Men in Black. Where Will Smith is a cool agent who helps protect the earth from aliens.

...Not real ones, mind. But the ones humans think exist are hilarious.

Sounds like typical human crap.

It is complete brilliance.

If this were a proper film, the girl would really be an alien and they'd be off on a high speed chase after her. Not all of this weird... romance... kissy... killing... stuff.

You have no taste. Sorry you'd prefer something dumb and loud because your sponge is like a stupid vegetable that only responds to the most basic stimuli. Sorry emotion and complicated romantic entanglements are too subtle for you to grasp because you're entertained by the same things a retarded barkbeast would be, noises and clumsily signal communicated plot contrivances and assholes with no discernible personality traits you're supposed to care about because they are the best at culling and drive really fast.

[Oh, Karkat is ranting again.

The Doctor quickly learned to tune those out.

He rolls his eyes and blows his nose again.]

Absolutely.

[He's obviously not listening which just kind of kills all his rant momentum, thanks. He just sort of growls at him.]

Whatever, at least you know.

[And presses play on the movie.]

...

...

So are these films for girls on your planet? Because on Earth, I'm quite certain girls are the ones watching them. I've watched them before with my friends, and it always involved a lot of cooing and sort of... stunted crying.

No!

[Yes.]

Why should they be for girls? What, girls are the only ones who care about rom? That's exactly why human romance is so retarded. A civilized species doesn't apply arbitrary gender classifications for no reason other than to complicate things!

[They're totally for girls, though.]

Don't look at me. I'm not human.

And it's perfectly okay for boys to like these sort of films. Even if they're not very exciting and everyone acts rather silly.

I know it isn't. They're not for girls, though. I just don't know what to tell you if you think in depth examination of sociologically complex stories of the cultural consequences of romantic pursuits is silly and not very exciting. Except that it makes sense that you get yourself all tangled up in stupid pointless blackroms because you're so repressed you don't realize how much you crave emotionally complex relationships.

...You have no idea how complex my relationships are, honestly.

Perhaps I just can't take anymore complexity of relationships in my life. It gets a bit exhausting you know.

Bullshit, you crave complexity. You know you intentionally ignite rivalries.

I do no such thing.

What the fuck is up with the major then? Why are you always encouraging him? You know that you just make him want to pull more shit.

It's obviously unresolved blackrom leanings. I mean, I'm not saying that you're actually romantically interested in a fatass psychopath fuck, but I'm saying that you crave that kind of interaction and deny it.

...[Wow, looking extremely offended. And grossed out.]

I'm just trying to deal with him in the only way he knows. I don't encourage him. I just... respond to him!

Besides, at least I don't have to put up a wall between myself and everyone else because I can't fathom the fact that anyone should properly like me.

No. Believe it or not, I'm actually aware of my own issues. I'm not arguing that I personally am the master of any quadrant or relationships in general. I'm an abysmal failure at blackrom, I'd be a laughable auspistice, my pitiable flushed escapades should be the stuff of legend, I'm the shittiest moirail ever, and I'm a terrible fucking friend. There, talking about me time is done now.

But yes, you encourage him. Guess what? He messed with my moirail and that really pissed me off, so you know what I did? I hung up on his ass and didn't engage him, and he has never bothered either of us again. Your threats and responses are exactly what he's looking for and you aren't dumb enough to not be aware of that, so I can't help but conclude that you like the idea of that kind of rivalry.

There's nothing wrong with that! Blackrom is a great thing, more species should appreciate the idea that hatred can be a positive and healthy thing. But if you're in denial you're screwing yourself over.

I don't...

[Scowls.]

I don't hate him. I have other things to hate. But fine. Maybe I do encourage him. But spend 5 days a week with him and you would too.

And you're a fine friend.

[He leans back, fiddling with his box of tissues, and looks back at the film.]

...So are they going to get together. Or... go red or whatever.

Maybe I would. Look at me, I'm the example you want to base your life around in terms of when it makes sense to pick fights.

[Scowling at watching the screen.]

Yeah. So Will Smith's matesprit left him and he doesn't think he believes in love anymore, he just wants someone in that quadrant for when the drones come, like, just a temporary thing. Eva Mendes already got past the drones so she doesn't really think she needs redrom at all now, she's only looking for black. But her moirail is still looking for red, so she's trying to help her out so she can survive culling.

Also, Eva Mendes is stalking that seadweller woman because she thinks Kevin James can't really be courting her black, I mean, look at him, she'd just cull him and be done with it. But Will Smith is helping him out and there's some genuine budding black attraction there.

...

Yes.

But he's going to change his mind and go red for her really and Eva Mendes is also going to fall for him.

Right?

You want me to spoil it?

Okay, fine, yes, they end up becoming matesprits and the seadweller becomes Kevin James' kismesis after realizing it was him and not Hitch's advice that was making him so hateable all along.

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